You Don't Know Jack

Last night the International Folk Festival had a going away party for all the groups. I had only met a few of the people but wanted to go and enjoy the comradery. I found out it was going to be way out in the country at a type of gathering place/community center but no one I knew had ever been there so I cranked up the GPS and headed out for a great adventure. The friend of mine that had “invited” me called to ask if I could stop and grab a bottle of Jack Daniels for one of the groups. They like to take these groups to the distillery for a tour and Jack Daniels becomes of favorite “local brew” every year.

I stopped and got a big ol’ bottle and headed to the country. As I got further into unknown territory, I had to keep a close eye and ear on my GPS. The radio was off, it was raining and I was focused. .6 miles…, .4 miles,….. .2 miles….and there it was. It was sitting off the road, a large non-descript off white building with a parking lot in front of it. The lot was only about half full and I was pretty sure I was just a bit early and had beaten my friends there. I had the hardest time getting up the nerve to go on in by myself but I am just not always ready to wing it in social situations. I decided to go ahead though, as nature was calling, so with one hand holding my umbrella and the other hand holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, I walked up to the front door. The large, plain double doors had tall skinny transom type windows on each side, giving me a glimpse of lots twenty somethings (probably the Germans) standing in the foyer. I opened the door and got my umbrella situated and looked up as everyone was looking back at the newest arrival. I let out a big Jerry Seinfeld “hellooOOOooo”. They responded with a normal “hello” and then there was about a second of silence. It hit me that maybe “hello” was the extent of the group’s English so I held up my bottle and said, “I’ve got Jack Daniels!!!” I was anticipating cheers but instead I got crickets…silence…deafening silence. Everyone went to “dead pan face” and they all just looked at each other and then back to me. Someone emerged from the back of the crowd and parted them like Moses did the Red Sea. It was a man in full length black robe priest gear sporting a large gold cross around his neck. “May we help you?” he asked.

Oh jeez, oh jeez, my brain was firing on all pistons trying to figure out what was happening and how to get out of it all at the same time. Nature quit calling and hung up and phone. All systems except brain function, were put on hold. I could hear my brain mapping out the crime scene and trying to do an investigation, damage control, hostage negotiation, media spin and  form an escape route all at the same time. In my meekest voice I asked a question that I already was afraid I knew the answer to, “Is this where the Folk Festival party is?” The black robed man informed me that I was incorrect and that I had just walked into the entrance of an Orthodox church and that vespers were getting ready to start! “Houston we have a problem………ground control to Major Tom….Jesus take the wheel”, said my head, but I was momentarily silent. I lowered my growing bottle of Jack Daniels and said, “I am so sorry, I am in the wrong place. I’ll just take this (shaking my bottle) and go. Sorry. Nice to meet you; have a good night”…I couldn’t shut up and they couldn’t stop staring at the crazy man that walked in waving a bottle of hooch in a church. I did everything but moonwalk out of that place.

A lady walked out with me and informed me that their church sign had blown down some time back and that they had not replaced it yet. She then invited me to come back if I was needing a church home. I thanked her quickly popped open my umbrella and headed to my car in the rain, gripping that Jack Daniels bottle like I was trying to strangle it.

Yes, I found the right location; it was about 200 yards away and we all had a good time. I have no idea where that bottle ended up last night. It’s possibly on foreign soil by now. I wish I was. I’ve never taken Jack Daniels to church before much less shaken in it up in the air for all to see. I can’t imagine what they were thinking as we stood there during our “moment of silence”. Heathen….I was a heathen, I felt like a heathen and I am pretty sure that’s what the sermon that night turned into, “Heathens in our Midst”. I’ll bet they burned all kinds of incense in that place to cleanse it after I left.

How do I get myself into these messes? Better yet, how do prevent them and/or get myself out of them? It’s really like cold water to the face for the brain. It definitely woke me up and blew the rust off of a few more synapse. What can you do? I mean really, what can you do? Funny, when I pulled into the correct facility, my GPS said, “You have arrived at your destination”. Note to self, always wait for that validation from GPS. If you don’t know where you are going then you can’t assume you are there just because you feel like it.