Say "Shwan"

I have got to stop going places by myself so that I can have someone to experience (and back up) my stories for me. There is just no way it is as funny later as it was when it happened. Anyway, I have this bad tendency to not connect the dots from one moment to the next and also to connect them when I shouldn’t. This was a case of not connecting the dots.

I was once again at an Oriental restaurant, asking about the special. The cashier was busy with some to-go orders, etc when I asked what today’s special was. She turned and screamed out an order in her native tongue to the kitchen behind her, and then turned back to me to answer. Somehow, in those few seconds, I completely forgot that I had just asked her a question and from there on, it was all down hill. I am not sure what her name is but I am going to call her “Su”. This is how it went down and is best read aloud:

Me: So, what is today’s special?
Su: (turns to scream order to kitchen and then turns back to me and speaks slowly) Say shwan
Me: (I completely forgot that I had just asked her a question and had no idea what she was talking about) Excuse me?
Su: (slower) Say…shwan
Me: Uh….shwan
Su: (looking slightly confused, speaks slower) Uh…you wanna say….Shwan?
Me: Ok…ummm…shwan…shwan?” (getting paranoid that she might think I was making fun of her accent, I decided to try to clarify) Do you mean Swan…Swan? (my mind was racing to try to remember if I have ever heard of anyone eating Swan and if it was even legal or not but then again this was the place that I was pretty sure served me the dead baby koi and called it shrimp). Are you trying to say “Swan”, like a big giant duck?
Su: You wan duck? We hah Peekee duck. Peekee duck goooood. You wanna Peekee duck?
Me: No, no, I just wanted to check on the special today.
Su: (speaking slower and louder) Ah…ok…SAY…SCHWAN…mmmm…SAY SCHWAN NOODAL
Me: Uhhhhh, (I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what she wanted unless it was some kind of diction lesson) Shwan Noodle
Su: Ok, you gonna lie. You wan powahk, chicky, beef, owah shlimp?
Me: (Having no idea what had just happened or what I was ordering) Chicken, that sounds good.

So I sat down and hoped that I had not once again offended this lady (after the “Shlimp Spaytial” debacle last year) and hoped for the best. As I sat and waited I looked at the giant picture on the wall of some far away place that was actually beautiful and wondered where it was. I then looked around and up above the cashier, on the wall, was a dry erase board that read, “Today’s Special: Szechuan” under that was “Noodles with pork, chicken, beef or shrimp”. Click, the synapse went off; I got it. Suddenly everything made sense. Contrary to what I said earlier, I am really glad that I was there by myself. It might be mildly humorous now, but if someone had been there with me, I don’t think I ever would have heard the end of this.

Radiant Heat

Did anyone see the solar flares in Murfreesboro the other day…those bright flashes of light streaking through the sky...anybody? Well, if you did and you are now in your bunker wearing an aluminum foil hat, I have to tell you, there were no solar flares. It was me. I thought I might need to share what happened to those of you who may have “bunkered down” and are gnawing on turkey jerky and sipping Tang.

What happened is that on Tuesday I went swimming in an outdoor pool…in public. There is no greater incentive to get in shape than having to swim in public. Since I didn’t get into shape to hit the pool, I decided not to waist summer and to burn off those calories with some old traditional summertime fun. I said I was going to start swimming back in January but have only mangage to go about three times this year. I even went out and bought the full frogman gear, so I feel like I need to get my money’s worth. I decided to live out the “It’s not the destination; it is the journey” mantra by swimming my laps outside under the beautiful summer sky.

It was actually a beautiful day and I forced myself to go out into the light of day in a swimsuit. These days that takes guts (no pun intended) to do that. I think I heard a few kids yell out “Polar Bear!” when I first hit the water but that might have just been my imagination running amuck. The short version of this long story is that I put on my snorkel gear and managed to swim about ¼ mile before inhaling a large portion of the pool water. I got out of the water when I was done with all the stability of a new born giraffe. I was so winded, and let me tell you, when you are winded and trying to replace the water in your lungs with air, it is hard to keep your gut sucked in. It was way too much multitasking for me. I finally had to just “let ‘er go”, pizza roll and all.

I decided to lie down on one of the lounge chairs (as walking wasn’t seeming to be my best option at the time) and I thought I would just take a moment to take in the beauty of the day and be thankful for it. So there I was in all my soft whiteness, casting a glare on everyone. People grabbed their sunglasses, added more sunscreen, pulled down their visors…I was radiant. People were able to get sun in places they normally would have had to turn over to get. Light was bouncing off of me and hitting their sides, those hard to tan areas, etc. I hope people sunscreened well because I pretty much turned that pool area into a tanning bed experience. I think people were happy with it and want me to come back to help them in have the most even tan ever. If I had to describe it as others saw it, I think it would be safe to say that I was the mirrorball of sunbathers. Oddly, even though it was my first day this year (maybe in two years) to go out and sparkle in public, I didn’t feel the need to use sunscreen. I don’t know why I didn’t think I would need it. I guess I was just too busy enjoying the journey and lighting up people’s lives.

That night, as the hours wore on, I noticed that the house was getting colder…much colder. I actually had a chill. Even though I was cold, I could also feel heat from my body flowing out and up the neck of my shirt. I went to the bathroom and took off my shirt in front of my small mirror, the one with the 40 watt light bulb, and I am pretty sure that I was putting out more wattage than that bulb. Oh, I was red. My face could feel the heat coming from my chest. I was radiating like a ceramic heater. I had forgotten how much I hated that feeling of being sunburned with burning up/freezing skin. I got out my ancient body of aloe (does that stuff ever go bad?) and applied liberally like the directions recommended years ago while the label was still attached to the bottle. How odd to have been the Mirrorball Man earlier and to be radiating heat afterwards. All I could think was that there might have been some strange connection to this and disco fever...but that is a tangent and I try to never go off on a tangent.

I can’t wait to go back and force myself into the humiliating situation of swimming in the light of day in public. But, let’s face it, not everyone has that kind of opportunity and I feel like I should take advantage of living in a warm summer place and enjoy it. I think the people there will be happy to see me come back and help them accelerate their tanning experience. I just wonder if there was anyone from that day that has been blogging about the Mirrorball Man that showed up at their pool in full snorkel gear that helped them to get the most even tan ever. As long as they don’t post pictures I will be alright. I just hope I didn’t burn any retinas. I may have singed a few leaves off the trees right by the pool but I didn’t start any fires. Anyway, just a little heads-up in case you thought you saw a solar flare and thought that Tuesday was a red letter day on the Mayan calendar…you can come out of the bunker now. Sorry I waited two days to post this.