Don't You Hate it When: Smartphone

Don’t you hate it when you interject  yourself into someone else’s conversation only to find that you are in way over your head and that you have no idea what anyone is talking about but you try to keep up anyway and while you are rambling out of control like a train wreck  you start having flashbacks from your childhood when you went down a hill on your bike that went from a steep slope to a ninety degree angle and you were no longer riding your bike but hanging on for dear life which then reminds you of the time that you hopped on the wrong ski slope and you were going so fast that you had no idea how you were ever going to stop and that the most you could hope for was to  fall and not break anything or get run over by the experts but you didn’t want to go ahead and fall and cut your losses because you were  too scared to do it because you knew it was going to be ugly and as you remember all these things you realize that your mouth is still running and that the left side of your  brain has no idea what the ride side of your  brain is talking about and suddenly you hear someone say “Let me see your phone and I can probably figure it out” and as you hand it to them you snap an instant replay tape into your head and recall that everyone was talking about the glitches in their smartphones and that you were also trying to complain but couldn’t answer what you thought the problem was because you didn’t understand any of the lingo so you tried to “wing it” and before you knew it you were heading down that steep hill/ski slope/runaway train and your brain was spinning out of control until everything came to a quick, sudden stop because the person who was holding your cheap phone announced “This isn’t a smartphone” and everyone is silent and you can hear the clock  ticking on the wall and it hits you that you actually have no idea what makes a smartphone a smartpone and that yours isn’t actually smart at all and may only be average at best,  and that phrase you have heard a million times about “It is better to remain silent and have everyone think  you are an idiot than to open your mouth and confirm it” ,or something like that, starts running through your head and it bothers you that you can never remember  exactly how that phrase goes  which probably is a reflection on how badly you should not ever try to use that phrase as you are only acting out the words as you speak them offering up yourself as a  personal example for the phrase and all you want to do is find a computer so that you can Google “what makes a smartphone a smartphone”  and you try to end the conversation by shaking your phone to make it work better and all you can think about is that it would be a perfect time for somebody to break out into a flash mob to “All You Single Ladies” but it is not happening so you just shake your phone harder while the people you were talking to watch  and that tingling part of your brain is thinking all by itself wondering how you could make everyone within earshot forget the last five minutes or why there isn’t something like “rapture on demand” or how cool it would be if Harry Potter’s cloaking device was real and the next thing you know you realize that your mouth is still running while your brain is having its own internal audit…? Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

 

Cutting Back

Cutting back

 

 

I had to go to the doctor yesterday just for a routine check up and he informed me that it was that magic time of my life when I needed to get a physical. Yeah, I don’t see that happening any time soon.  Anyway, at the end of the appointment he said those six little words that I have never heard from a doctor before, “You need to lose 20 lbs”……………how could he tell? I had on my “hide-a-fat” clothes the whole time and he never grabbed my love handles….oh yeah, the scales…those darn scales! He went on to add, “Do you remember where you were 10-15 years ago?  You were 35lbs lighter. Let’s start with 20lbs.”  I felt  horrified and insulted...I was horrisulted.

 

I couldn’t believe it. It seems that pretending I am in shape while overeating isn’t doing the trick. So last night, while watching TV,  I was thinking about all this and what I was going to have to do . I heard the timer go off in the kitchen so I sat down my bowl of chocolate peanut butter ice cream (with an extra spoonful of peanut butter for flavor) and went into the kitchen to check on my blackberry/blueberry/raspberry cobbler (it needed ten more minutes) and gave my crockzilla full of cabbage/bean/Italian sausage soup a stir and then went back into the den, sat back down and picked up my bowl of ice cream. I thought about it all and realized that it was time, time to make a change. I consider myself to be health conscious and it was time to make a difficult yet important decision about cutting unnecessary things out of my life. It was time to find a new doctor…Bon appétit !