I can no longer make fun of people that go nuts on Black Friday. Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving when people give in to their pre-hoarding nature to search for the deal of the day. I don’t do it; I don’t understand it…until now. Today I found myself in a car shopping frenzy and somewhere in the midst of it, I lost myself. I started driving car after car, and talked to salesman after salesman from one car lot to the next car lot. It was just one car after the other and before long I wasn’t even picky. If it looked halfway decent I would drive it. By the end of the day I felt dirty…and just a little bit cheap. What had happened to me? What had I become? Had I turned into a caroholic? It wasn’t the real me; don’t judge.
I knew I had worked myself into a frenzy as I was sweating like a fat man in a suit on the 4th of July. I was a mess and in a hurry and I had told myself I had to get it done today. Everything was going as it had the day before. One car would look nice but ride terribly, while another would be ugly but drive like a dream. I was losing it and my standards were lowering like a….no, I am not going there.
I had a moment of temporary buyer’s insanity where I took a really bad idea and talked myself into thinking it was a good idea. Let me preface this with an excuse (that will not hold up in court). An old friend of mine called me about her new business and was telling me about it and we were just trying to figure out what would be good ways for her to promote it. This conversation stopped and started at each car lot and in between sales pitches. I thought that I could multitask but it seems that I was wrong.
So, I was test driving a car and took a route through town and hit the interstate, I missed my first exit for my loop back and took the next exit down. Off of that exit is another large car lot that I drove past and remembered seeing a car there that I wanted to look at later. I decided that since I was right there that I might as well check it out. I pulled in and drove around until I found it. I hid my test car off to the side and went over to look at this other car. I liked it from the outside and before I knew it, a sales man with poofy hair (was that redundant) came up to me and talked and went and got the key. Off I drove in this car for a test drive. I made the long loop around town and really liked the way this car drove but wasn’t a huge fan of the interior. I cut back through on a road I don’t usually take and passed another car lot. I just took a quick look over and saw what I thought was a good deal. I pulled over just to check the price. I was wrong on this one but beside it, was a Mustang convertible. Hmmmm, I have been looking for a bigger, safer car with good gas mileage. I already have alligator/cheetah skin and really don’t need all day sun exposure. I looked at the info just for the fun of it and in my skim-read dysfunction had read the 4.6 (?) liter engine to be a four cylinder engine. It was a beautiful color and I started rationalizing that it was time for a fun car and a four cylinder probably got good gas mileage, etc. Once again, a ninja salesman appeared out of nowhere and dangled…dangled the keys in front of me. What’s a man to do? I am only human.
I pulled out of the car lot in this beautiful car and accelerated to get in front of oncoming traffic. I heard the low guttural growl under the hood and something aroused my inner man/beast. Oh my, I didn’t redial the phone for a while. I just listened and got goose bumps from head to toe. I knew immediately that this was not a small engine at all and that this car was definitely not for me. So I continued in the opposite direction of the car lot and headed for the interstate. I remembered our interstate exits as being much farther apart. It was amazing. Eighty was the new sixty and I just wanted to keep on going. As I slowed down onto the off ramp, I mentally lit up a cigarette and slowly drove back to the car lot, listening to the low purr of the tiger under the hood.
When I got back I pulled the car around up to the front of the building and got out. The salesman came up to me and I told him how much I loved the car but that it was not what I really needed. He looked at me, then at the car and said, “That’s not our car. Where is the car you drove off in?” Ooooooh my…I was in three cars deep and had them scattered all over town. How did I do this? Was it the lack of focus from talking on the phone (yes it was hands free)? Was I losing it? Had I gotten lost in the moment; the buyer’s frenzy that has been the ruin of many a good turkey and dressing scented credit cards? I finally understood what can happen on Black Friday and how a parent can buy two of everything for one child and nothing for the other. After my “now I get it” moment I realized the salesman was still waiting for an answer. I couldn’t think of anything! Nothing! I was, without speech. I couldn't tell him that I had no idea where I had left his car. I just blurted out, “Well this is your competition and it was a great ride. I’ll go back and get your car now…but here it is…it’s really nice…so you can see…yes.” He looked at me like I was some kind of caroholic (there’s that word again) and said, “I thought you were looking for a large, four door sedan that got good gas mileage.” I squirmed and answered, “Yes, I am and this one is not right for me but it rides great…so I am going to take it back…and bring you your car.” I couldn't tell him that I had no idea where I had left his car! I swear I can’t believe he didn’t call the cops or have someone follow me. I pulled out trying to remember which car went where. At the stop light I could read the sheet taped to the windshield and like Hansel, I started to retrace my steps. It wasn’t easy to figure out in my head but as long as I just took each car back to whatever was written on the sheets taped to the windshields, I was ok. It was a bit like an episode of the great race but not so fun and a bit too real.
I had never been so happy to see my car in all my life. It looked so warm and welcoming…and familiar. I couldn’t wait to get in my car, lock the doors, crank up the radio and drive away. I loved my car more at that moment than I ever have before. I started to rethink the whole selling situation. Then I remembered that my car leaks. Yeah, hidden in the bowels of this car is a leak and after two long auto repair visits and $3,000 later I was told, “I don’t think it can be fixed.” So for a couple of months, I’ve been schlepping around antifreeze in the trunk of my car like some kind of mobile meth lab and I know my neighbors have their suspicions. I probably always have a little bit on me somewhere and I don’t think that I should try air travel any time soon. Homeland Security would have me flagged and tagged for a cavity search before I could even make it to the airport Starbucks. I’ve been putting this off buying a new car but this leak just keeps getting worse so now I have just got to get it done.
I drove to the gym with the stereo pumping and the a/c on high. I was a mess. I was soaking wet from the trauma of feeling like I had just run some type of test drive Ponzi Scheme. I had gotten caught up in the buyer’s high and had tramped my way across way too many car lots and had even taken a turn on a mechanical bull. I had to cool down and get a grip and cruise back to reality. I also had some serious phone calls to return. That will not happen again. I think that was a lesson that a guy is supposed to learn somewhere around 18 and for some reason I am just now getting it. I’ve always been a late bloomer. Now I am a late bloomer that smells like he works in the back room of a meth lab….I’ve got to get a new car. I’ll start all over again in the morning. I am sticking to my printouts this time and no more test drive chess games.
