Oh my word, I smell so good…but I didn’t start out this way. Today has been a long, long day. I told myself that I was going to get Christmas shopping/wrapping done early this year but here it is 11 pm on Christmas Eve and I have just wrapped my last gift…except for the one I am going to wrap in the morning (but I am done, almost). I started off making myself to go yet another Crossfit class. I actually went online to see what the details for the workout of the day were going to be to decide if I was going to go or not. I won’t Ambien you with the details but for the overview, it read that this to be the “12 Days of Christmas” workout. It was basically all centering around picking up a barbell and doing something with it. We were to do one exercise for one rep, then the next exercise we did for two reps, the next for three, etc. Ok, I read all this and the last one was twelve reps of something painful and heavy, but I added it all up and it totaled 78 lifts. 78 barbell lifts in different versions. I’m not very good at those but I needed to burn off some Christmas cheer and pre-burn a couple of upcoming Christmas dinners; so I went.
When the instructor (Pit Beagle) started the class he explained what we were going to do. I had completely misunderstood the whole thing. Just like the song, we had to start all over after each exercise. Yep, we couldn’t move on to the fourth exercise without first going back and doing one of one, two of two, etc. Holy cow! I just stood there feeling my mind blur. It was more than I could grasp and I only took basic algebra in college so I couldn’t do the math in my head (and I am not even exactly sure how to do it on a calculator). I kept looking at the board and trying to add it up until I figured it was just best to go into it blindly, keep going until I couldn’t go any more and at some point, I would get cut off because it would be time to lock up and go home.
There was an athletic looking girl in front of me so I figured I would just copy her and try to keep up with her pace and copy her moves. It was somewhere around “four calling birds” that she flew off and left me in the dust. I was taking a breather, one of many, and when I started back she was working her way down the Christmas list. Somewhere around “6 Geese a laying” everything started taking on new meaning. I was doing everything in halves and I could hear the song in my head. “Geese a laying” became, “Jesus I’m praying” and from there:
7 Swans a Swimming - 7 Kwanza shimmies
8 Maids a Milking - 8 Made me do these
9 Ladies Dancing - 9 Laid my weights down
10 Lords a leaping - 10 Lord I’m leaving
11 Pipers Piping - 11 Joints a Popping
12 Drummers Drumming - 12 I hear angels humming
The only other thing I remember is always coming back to, “And I’m partially carefree” (I have no idea what that meant). Somewhere around “10 lords a leaping” and my “Oh Lord, I’m leaving” chant, I started to just walk out the door. Everyone was panting and moaning and taking breathing breaks (except for the girl in front of me, she was finished) and I don’t think anyone would have noticed that I was gone. It was so tempting. I took a quick look around the room and saw that I wasn’t the only one in there that looked like they were waiting on Lifeflight, so I decided to just keep going until someone sent me home…or until I finished....finished a broken man. Well that thing lasted 35-45 minutes at least. It was the longest, worst thing I have ever intentionally put myself through in my life. To be perfectly honest, I think I might have missed a round as there were still some people working after I was finished. Somewhere near the end, Pit Beagle walked by, looked at me and said, “Mark, you’re getting bigger”…best Christmas present ever!
When I climbed back into my car, red-faced, soaking wet and sounding asthmatic, I started thinking about that title: 12 Days of Christmas. No, no way...not unless it was written by the Grinch. I would have named this routine “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” because I am pretty sure you can’t really “do Christmas” while in traction or with a dislocated…body.
As I drove away from the torture chamber I tried to focus (and breathe) on the tasks at hand to make sure this day before Christmas went off as planned and that I didn’t get behind. I headed straight to my last two things on my shopping list. On the way I noticed that something in my car smelled…bad. I started thinking about it as I couldn’t identify the scent and the only thing I could think of was last Thursday’s chili run with Crockzilla in the back floorboard. I started thinking that maybe today’s warmer wet weather was bringing out the worst of some spilled chili. I pulled the car over to check. I had put the rubber floor mats in the back and I didn’t notice a spill, but I went ahead and put the floor mat in the trunk anyway. I got back into the car but the smell came back strong. I couldn’t figure out what in the world it could have been unless it was coming from the outside. I rolled the windows down and that helped which meant that it wasn’t coming from the outside. When I rolled them back up, the smell came back. Then it hit me….could it be me? No…I am not a smelly guy…am I? Yep, it was me…I was, at best, offensive. I couldn’t believe it! I think I had run out of water and had started sweating my liver. I know what liver smells like when it is cooking and this was pretty close to that. I was at the intersection where my normal, non-torture gym is located so I decided to just stay on track, run inside and take a quick shower because I just really didn’t want to run all over town as “skunk boy” and I was also afraid my car might never be the same.
The good news is that I had just the night before been given a new bottle of body wash from a friend of mine as a Christmas countdown gift; so I got to try it out. It has almond oil and shea butter and smelled like something yummy cooking in a bakery. By the time I was finished and covered with my secret weapon (world’s best smelling body lotion), I smelled delicious. I am not sure that should be the goal in a locker room but that’s what happened.
I got to my first little store and the cashier asked me, “Have you been eating Snickerdoodles? You smell like Snickerdoodles.” I told her that I had not but that I had new body wash. She asked, “They make Snickerdoodle body wash? I love Snickerdoodles!” I had to break the news to her that this was a layered thing, that I had a secret weapon and that I needed to pay and be on my way.
As I drove on to my next destination, smelling delicious, I once again noticed that the endorphins were running high and that my back and knees has zero, zero pain. I think it also had something to do with getting the blood racing all through the body. I was pain free and energized…and scented like a Snickerdoodle. I knew that the soreness was going to set in and that I would be moving on Christmas like the Tin Man on a rainy day. By the end of the day I had spent all my money plus a little bit more but I was still smelling good. I was Po-Perry.
All I know is that now, many hours have passed, this day is done, the gifts (minus one) are all wrapped, I only smell fresh and clean and rigor mortis is setting in. I think starting the day off the way I did put me into the Christmas spirit. I will confess that I usually get caught up in the secular Christmas and it is all about Santa, the tree, the gifts, etc. Today was different. This morning during my “hour of power” I thought about and called upon Baby Jesus many times. I was just praying that I got through it and that I didn’t do any permanent damage to myself, or finish after all the girls. So I guess, in a way, this morning was a bit of a religious experience and it caused me to focus on the real reason for the season. Who knew that muttering, “Sweet Baby Jesus just help me get through this” on Christmas Eve, would help a person rethink and refocus their Christmas? I am even thinking about celebrating His first miracle! After all, it is Christmas.
Merry Christmas Everybody!
