My day consisted of :
1)A really big surprise pit stop:
Once again, I managed to drink a gallon of ginseng green tea before noon as I drove to Nashville. That resulted in my needing to make an unplanned pit stop at a gas station just off the interstate. Where’s a good catheter when you need one? Anyleak, I pulled off the interstate and quickly parked. I think I did my best time ever in the 100 yard dash that I made from my car to the gas station’s unisex bathroom. I flung the door open wide just before my bladder yelled “There she blows!” Before I could stop my quick step into the bathroom, I heard an “Oh!” coming from inside the bathroom. I looked up and right in front of me was a little old lady sitting on the toilet. There was no stall or anything, just me and her…and my bladder. I closed the door and apologized all over myself. It was odd but all of the sudden, I didn’t have to use the bathroom anymore. My brain had taken over and it was mind over bladder. I made it all the way to my destination just fine. Her photograph and sound byte are etched into my brain along with many other non-erasable items.
2) Free cheesecake (nothing more to add here…oh yeah, it was turtle cheesecake)
3) Calling aesthetic centers all over Murfreesboro to get donations for a silent auction:
I got a call back from one office and the secretary was so quiet that I couldn’t understand a word she said. I was talking to the “Phone Whisperer”. Why in the world would anyone hire someone to answer their phones if that person was just going to whisper to the clients? I called back and got someone else. After asking my usual questions, I got the following response:
R: Honey, we’ve got all kinds of stuff. You need to come into our office. How old are you?
Me: (password protected)
R: Oh yeah, honey, you definitely need to come in and get some work done. What do you do?
Me: Real Estate
R: Oh my gosh we have all kinds of real-a-tors that come in here. Oh yeah you need to come in. I mean people see those young real-a-tors out there and they look like they have all kinds of energy and people think “Shoot, that younger person is going to go right on down the road and sell my house.” Oh honey, you’ve got to compete! Nobody wants to work with someone that looks all old and tired. You need to get in here. We will fix you up. You need a peel to make you not look so tired.
Me:……….......................................................................
R: We’ve got all kinds of peels. Some places, you go there and they will burn your face off, but not here. We have all kinds of peels; we’ve got…. uhmmm…I can’t remember what they are called but they don’t burn at all much, not hardly …no, you can almost go right back to work...sometimes. You can’t go around looking all old; honey you need to get in here.
Me: I can hardly wait to face the public today. Thanks for the pep talk.
R: See, honey I told you. You need to get in here. Those younger looking people are going to get all your business. Can you come in next Thursday? I have some openings.
It then hit me that she had just been through a sales training seminar and was currently dangerous. I told her I had a bad connection (I felt like we did) and I hung up. All I could think was that I needed to go buy a veil before burdening the general public with my hideousness.
4) Went to eat dinner and Justin Beiber hummed to me:
I went to eat and my waiter had the old Beiber-do back when it was at its longest. He did not wear it well and I think he was a college student. I think that look might still work if you are the age Justin was when he sported it. Anybody Beiber’s age needs to progress as he did with his hair. It’s kind of the same concept as the bowl cut. It’s cute on kids but on adult males it screams, “I have a shoebox under my bed covered in glitter.” Anyshag, Beiber-server had a unique speech pattern in which he added a hum after each sentence:
“How are you doing this evening..mmmmmm. Can I start you off with something to drink?…mmmmmmm” It was somewhere between a hum and a nervous laugh. He continued, “So that’s the barbeque chicken mmmmmm, grilled zucchini mmmm, and a salad? mmmmmmm” I didn’t know what to make of it. A shaggy/nervous/humming/Beiber was such an odd way to end today…or was it? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Here, at the end of the day, I just can’t get that little old lady’s face out of my mind. It was just a wide open bathroom and there she was sitting on the toilet, big as life and I was standing a step inside the door while still holding the door all the way open. She said, “Oh” and then reached up with both hands and grabbed her wig like it was getting ready to blow off. You just never know how you are going to react in emergencies. For her, that wig was priority numero uno. As for the cheesecake, I am saying that special occasion deserts have no calories so I can just write that experience off and forget about it. As for my hideousness, I think I might have to send the “phone whisperer” and the “tough love/ honey badger/sales woman” a little “customer service survey” with a few hints and tips-o-the trade. Finally, Justin…man…I have no words for that Beiber buzzer. I wouldn’t even know where to start except to thank him for allowing me to feel like my life has gotten back to normal again after a few weeks of non-eventfullness.
