You know that crackling sound that a fireplace makes when the wood is burning? I think maybe it is best when there are a few cedar logs in the mix. Did anyone by any chance hear that sound echoing across Murfreesboro yesterday? Well if you did, it was probably me..my vertebrae to be more specific. Yes, yes I went to Crossfit Rutherford again today and this time, the owner, my FORMER buddy, was teaching the class. How do I describe him….hmmm, he is like a really friendly Pit Bull and if he was a Transformer he would turn into some kind of bullet proof tank. I say that with love in my heart of course.
Yesterday's class was filled with one type of exercise. It involved a large bar (not Tiki) that we were to hoist up over our heads. I had to do my version of it and I think the owner called me the “Cleaning Jerk” while I was doing it….or something like that..maybe that was the name of the exercise; I dont' know. So while all the girls around me had their 25-45lb weights at each end of their bars, I had, well…I had the bar. We started with just getting the bar to our waist just to get a little technique in. I thought maybe that was the whole move at first as it was making me “feel the burn” but I soon learned it was just a warm-up.
We moved on to lifting the bar to our shoulders. I really felt that burn…still a warm-up. Next was the biggie, the whole enchilada, the reason we were all there. We were to take our weighted (or not) bar and in one clean move, hoist it up over our heads with our arms fully extended. We did one, then two in a row, then three, etc. until we couldn’t keep up and do anymore. Now somewhere in there is a little hop thing where your feet spread out as the bar flies over your head. Well, homie don’t hop or pick up heavy objects from off the floor so my ROM (that’s range of motion for you novices) was about half of what the others were doing. I know in that room full of competitive people that some of them had to be thinking, “Hey, Cleaning Jerk is cheating!” I felt like I needed to make some kind of announcement or something so they all wouldn’t just automatically hate me. They at least need to get to know me before they hate me…you know what I mean.
So there I was, feeling the burn, getting the stink-eye from a few people facing me and our bell rang and the “Dance of the Cleaning Jerk” began. The “one” wasn’t so bad; it got worse from there. Everyone was doing the hoist like they do in the Olympics with the little hop thing in the middle, holding their weighted bars over their heads and then slam, they would drop the bars to the floor after their reps. I did my half-granny-duck-squat version and let me tell you, it was all I could do. Apparently when the disks between your vertebrae have the thickness of Saran Wrap, you shouldn’t hoist heavy objects above your head. Thank goodness the music was loud, the grunts were in stereo and the crashing weighted bars made lots of noise. If there had been silence, everyone would have heard the snap crackle and pop of my spine and assumed the building was on fire. I would have been crushed, not emotionally, I mean physically crushed by muscular competitors running out the large garage door opening that I was blocking with my bar that I just couldn’t let go of because the floor was just too far away.
Soon it was over (for me), I got up to eleven and had to call it quits. When I got to my breaking point they told me “Ok, just go row 1000 meters and you are done!” While I was rowing it hit me that I needed to change my paperwork that I had filled out on day one. I had to list my next of kin in case of the pending emergency. I had my dad on there but I am going to replace “Charles Perry” with “Life Flight”.
All I can tell you is that when I left my heart was up in my frontal lobe but I felt so much better than I had all day. Of course, I have heard you can get a similar feeling of peace and calm right before death. I decided to stay positive.
As I was leaving, I noticed that my shirt was hanging down closer to my knees. At first I thought maybe it was from all the sweat but I am pretty sure it was the spinal compression. I know it was certainly harder to get into the car in the parking lot. I think I entered the building at 6’2” and left at 5’10”. I am almost positive about that. My pants were even longer. The stairs to get into my front door seemed so much higher and harder to climb; yes, I had definitely shrunk. Today I will go hang from something, either from my arms like a monkey or from my feet like a bat. I just can’t afford to take everything to the alterationist right now; also, my one month membership isn’t up yet. Who knows how tall I will be by the end of all this or if I’ll be needing anything more than a hospital gown? The sad part to all this is that I can't wait to go back. I hope the novelty of this wears off really soon. Dear Baby Jesus, please let the novelty of this wear off really soon; I cannot rock a hospital gown. Trust me on this one.
Yesterday's class was filled with one type of exercise. It involved a large bar (not Tiki) that we were to hoist up over our heads. I had to do my version of it and I think the owner called me the “Cleaning Jerk” while I was doing it….or something like that..maybe that was the name of the exercise; I dont' know. So while all the girls around me had their 25-45lb weights at each end of their bars, I had, well…I had the bar. We started with just getting the bar to our waist just to get a little technique in. I thought maybe that was the whole move at first as it was making me “feel the burn” but I soon learned it was just a warm-up.
We moved on to lifting the bar to our shoulders. I really felt that burn…still a warm-up. Next was the biggie, the whole enchilada, the reason we were all there. We were to take our weighted (or not) bar and in one clean move, hoist it up over our heads with our arms fully extended. We did one, then two in a row, then three, etc. until we couldn’t keep up and do anymore. Now somewhere in there is a little hop thing where your feet spread out as the bar flies over your head. Well, homie don’t hop or pick up heavy objects from off the floor so my ROM (that’s range of motion for you novices) was about half of what the others were doing. I know in that room full of competitive people that some of them had to be thinking, “Hey, Cleaning Jerk is cheating!” I felt like I needed to make some kind of announcement or something so they all wouldn’t just automatically hate me. They at least need to get to know me before they hate me…you know what I mean.
So there I was, feeling the burn, getting the stink-eye from a few people facing me and our bell rang and the “Dance of the Cleaning Jerk” began. The “one” wasn’t so bad; it got worse from there. Everyone was doing the hoist like they do in the Olympics with the little hop thing in the middle, holding their weighted bars over their heads and then slam, they would drop the bars to the floor after their reps. I did my half-granny-duck-squat version and let me tell you, it was all I could do. Apparently when the disks between your vertebrae have the thickness of Saran Wrap, you shouldn’t hoist heavy objects above your head. Thank goodness the music was loud, the grunts were in stereo and the crashing weighted bars made lots of noise. If there had been silence, everyone would have heard the snap crackle and pop of my spine and assumed the building was on fire. I would have been crushed, not emotionally, I mean physically crushed by muscular competitors running out the large garage door opening that I was blocking with my bar that I just couldn’t let go of because the floor was just too far away.
Soon it was over (for me), I got up to eleven and had to call it quits. When I got to my breaking point they told me “Ok, just go row 1000 meters and you are done!” While I was rowing it hit me that I needed to change my paperwork that I had filled out on day one. I had to list my next of kin in case of the pending emergency. I had my dad on there but I am going to replace “Charles Perry” with “Life Flight”.
All I can tell you is that when I left my heart was up in my frontal lobe but I felt so much better than I had all day. Of course, I have heard you can get a similar feeling of peace and calm right before death. I decided to stay positive.
As I was leaving, I noticed that my shirt was hanging down closer to my knees. At first I thought maybe it was from all the sweat but I am pretty sure it was the spinal compression. I know it was certainly harder to get into the car in the parking lot. I think I entered the building at 6’2” and left at 5’10”. I am almost positive about that. My pants were even longer. The stairs to get into my front door seemed so much higher and harder to climb; yes, I had definitely shrunk. Today I will go hang from something, either from my arms like a monkey or from my feet like a bat. I just can’t afford to take everything to the alterationist right now; also, my one month membership isn’t up yet. Who knows how tall I will be by the end of all this or if I’ll be needing anything more than a hospital gown? The sad part to all this is that I can't wait to go back. I hope the novelty of this wears off really soon. Dear Baby Jesus, please let the novelty of this wear off really soon; I cannot rock a hospital gown. Trust me on this one.
