Dear Drug Dealer hanging out by the potting soil in the Walmart parking lot,
Thank you for picking me out of the crowd last night as "the guy most likely to be a stoner". I appreciate that. I am not sure if you know it or not but I saw you walk all the way across the parking lot and hide behind the dirt bags (great camouflage for you by the way) while I was loading up my potting soil. This is the reason that I was already giving you the "stink eye" by the time you got up to me. I am so glad you were able to hold you breath until you got right up to me so that I could get a slight buzz from your emissions as you exhaled and started to talk. Jeez oh Petes that was strong! Thank you for opening up your wallet to show me that you only had seven dollars left and for telling me that all you needed was seven more dollars so that you could go buy some antifreeze for your new Lexus. I appreciate you pointing out your new car to me and for leaving it's emergency lights flashing for a nice touch of reality. I think I may have been a bit short or rude with you and for that I am sorry. Telling you that you were going to have to phone a friend or use another life line was just not even funny. You are just a business man trying to earn a living. Now, I must confess; I told you a lie. I don't know if it was the fear or the pot talking, but that last thing I said about being an off- duty police officer just trying to get back home to plant some tomato plants and to get rid of some weeds was not true. I am sorry if that made you uncomfortable and I regret that I might have made you nervous when I added that everybody needs to get rid of their weeds before they become a problem. I have to say though, I do love to watch a good sprint.
Dear Fifty Year Old Woman at the gym with the new "pair",
Yes, we all saw them. Everybody saw them. The girl at the desk that checked you in saw them. The children in daycare saw them. The people in the cardio room saw them. The people on the weight machines saw them. The people on the free weights saw them...everybody saw them. Google Earth saw them. You did a great job of walking around and covering every square inch of the gym. No head was left unturned. I am going to guess that you have an advertising background and understand the importance of a broad audience and hitting them from every angle. We saw them from every angle. Thank you for cutting out the neck of your thin t-shirt and for adding a slit to make it a V-neck and also for allowing "the girls" to roam free. You are certainly considerate to be thinking of those who might be visually impaired. Also, I would recommend a lanyard type key chain to help hold on to your keys. I noticed that you kept dropping your keys and that you had to keep bending over to pick them up. It sounded like it really exhausted you with those loud moans you let out each time you raised back up and flipped your hair. I just wanted you to know that despite all the key droppings (which did seem to add an air of suspense) you had a great parade. Congrats on defying gravity and for always being able to hear the ocean. Oh yes, and if you ever decide that you need it, Haynes Her Way has a "support group" for you.
