The following is rated PG-13. Don’t complain; you have been warned.
I am going on steroids. I don’t mean something to increase testosterone a little. No, I mean hardcore, “Mexican Muscle Juice” given to me in the back of some horse trainer parked behind Big Lots….that kind of steroids. I want to be huge. I want my biceps to look like basketballs. I want it to look like I have cantaloupes at the end of each shoulder and I want large man-lumps between my shoulders and neck that look like footballs. I know my doctor has told me that I need to keep my weight well below 200 in order for my joints to continue working but I don’t care. I want to pack on the muscle even if I have to ride around in a Hoveround to do it. I want to be the Hulk. People can all me the “Hulkaround” and that will be just fine.
Now what has brought me to this point, this life altering decision? I’ll tell you but realize that I know that this is one of those stories that my mom would laugh at and then say, “Now Mark, I think you should probably just keep that story to yourself”. Since she is no longer able to give such advice, I am left with using my own "appropriate filter system" and it has a hole in it. If I stopped to think about who might read this I would never print it. With that in mind, I will just not think about it. Kind of like I do when I type things anyway.
I had just finished doing a Google search and was really thrown off by what I had seen. I clicked off of stories, videos and images that will stick with me long after I have forgotten what my name is and where I live. I got up and went to the bathroom and when I looked into the mirror I had a movie moment flash before my eyes. My brain had one of those “Matix/Inception” moments where everything fast forwarded backwards and replayed what had led up to this moment…an entire afternoon in a second. It was like watching a video of a water balloon exploding in slowmotion, backwards and then in real time forward again.
I had decided to go walk yesterday out in the 95 degree weather with 100% humidity because it just seemed like it would be a nice thing to do on a summer day. When I got back into the car I was soaking wet and realized that I had already burned through my gallon of ginseng green tea (maybe that’s why it felt like I had a two hundred pound clock sitting on my chest). I needed to run to Office Max so on the way, I stopped at a local market to pick up some water. I saw a half price energy flavored water thing so I grabbed it. It was kind of like Gatorade but an off brand…Crocade? It was nice and bright red and the flavor was called something like “Atomic Red” or something like that. On the way out of the store I grabbed one of those freebie papers that have all kinds of stuff listed for sale.
I drank my Crocade and it tasted like watered down Kool-Aid with salt, very much like Gatorade. When I got to Office Max I sat there for a moment, still cooling down, and finished listening to a good song on the radio. I opened the paper and started looking at the cars for sale,etc. I guess it was from the heat or from things in bloom again after we finally got some rain but my eyes were really itching me like crazy. So I sat in the car rubbing my eyes and finishing off my Crocade and listening to the radio, just having a good ol’ time. Yep, I know how to enjoy the summer.
I ran into Office Max to grab a glue stick. That’s all I needed. I got it and noticed a tall young black man kept staring at me. I figured I probably knew him from the gym or something, so I gave the smile/head nod that you give to people that you recognize but do not know. Then I got in line and just enjoyed being inside in the cool. I heard a voice behind me ask, “Is that what you use?” I didn’t turn around as I didn’t think he was talking to me. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I could tell the person behind me had moved closer and to the side and asked again, “Is that what you use?” I turned and it was the young black man talking to me. I told him “Yes”, thought it was an odd question and was hoping this was not another one of those moments where I had just met another wing-nut looking for a new bff. He continued the conversation and said, “I wax”. During that sentence he stroked the contour of his very thin, highly arched eyebrow with the tip of his ring finger. “It don’t hurt that bad and it lasts forever”, he said. It was at that moment that I knew I had walked into another land mine experience and I knew that I had to make a quick decision as to whether or not I opened up that Pandora’s box or if I was just going to let it go. I really wasn’t up for it for the challenge, so I just smiled and said, “Yeah” and turned back to the now ready cashier.
What the heck was that all about? I drove home wandering if maybe he was saying that some people use glue stick to remove eyebrows and if he had me confused with a makeup artist somewhere. It was just crazy but well, I am kind of used to that. I could not wait to get back home and Google search “glue stick and eyebrows”. So that is what I did. Hmmmmmm, it seems that using a glue stick to cover eyebrows, followed by using concealer and makeup, is the preferred method of transformation for drag queens all around the world. Yes, there are hundreds of YouTube videos showing how it is done.
So I clicked off my searches and had some vivid images emblazoned into my memory banks. I was still completely confused about what had happened at Office Max. I got up to go to the bathroom and took a quick look in the mirror….OH-MY-WORD. Where do I start? I do remember when paying for my glue stick that my fingers had black ink on them from my cheap newspaper reading. I forgot that I had been rubbing my eyes. I had smudged black all over my eyelids and under my eyes. I was Tammy Faye Baker! Also, my Crocade was on sale for a reason. My lips were bright red. They were not just red lips though; my upper lip had a nice round circle above it. Have you ever seen that tradition Kabuki look on Japanese women where they only put lipstick right in the middle of their lips and it goes above and under their lips, kind of forming an “0”? It was that look. I was Kabuki Tammy Faye Baker!!! No wonder! That guy at Office Max must have thought that I was a big ol’ drag queen that had just done a long run of shows, couldn’t get all the old makeup off and had run out of glue stick. AAAArrrgh! How do these things happen?
It was at that moment, after the brain flashback/rewind/fast-forward that I decided to go on steroids. Hello biceps (goodbye manjunk); I want to be the Hulk. I want to be so big that it won’t matter if I roll into a store sporting a Hello Kitty t-shirt and a hair bow, no one will think I am an out of glue stick drag queen….not that there is anything wrong with that.
I am going on steroids. I don’t mean something to increase testosterone a little. No, I mean hardcore, “Mexican Muscle Juice” given to me in the back of some horse trainer parked behind Big Lots….that kind of steroids. I want to be huge. I want my biceps to look like basketballs. I want it to look like I have cantaloupes at the end of each shoulder and I want large man-lumps between my shoulders and neck that look like footballs. I know my doctor has told me that I need to keep my weight well below 200 in order for my joints to continue working but I don’t care. I want to pack on the muscle even if I have to ride around in a Hoveround to do it. I want to be the Hulk. People can all me the “Hulkaround” and that will be just fine.
Now what has brought me to this point, this life altering decision? I’ll tell you but realize that I know that this is one of those stories that my mom would laugh at and then say, “Now Mark, I think you should probably just keep that story to yourself”. Since she is no longer able to give such advice, I am left with using my own "appropriate filter system" and it has a hole in it. If I stopped to think about who might read this I would never print it. With that in mind, I will just not think about it. Kind of like I do when I type things anyway.
I had just finished doing a Google search and was really thrown off by what I had seen. I clicked off of stories, videos and images that will stick with me long after I have forgotten what my name is and where I live. I got up and went to the bathroom and when I looked into the mirror I had a movie moment flash before my eyes. My brain had one of those “Matix/Inception” moments where everything fast forwarded backwards and replayed what had led up to this moment…an entire afternoon in a second. It was like watching a video of a water balloon exploding in slowmotion, backwards and then in real time forward again.
I had decided to go walk yesterday out in the 95 degree weather with 100% humidity because it just seemed like it would be a nice thing to do on a summer day. When I got back into the car I was soaking wet and realized that I had already burned through my gallon of ginseng green tea (maybe that’s why it felt like I had a two hundred pound clock sitting on my chest). I needed to run to Office Max so on the way, I stopped at a local market to pick up some water. I saw a half price energy flavored water thing so I grabbed it. It was kind of like Gatorade but an off brand…Crocade? It was nice and bright red and the flavor was called something like “Atomic Red” or something like that. On the way out of the store I grabbed one of those freebie papers that have all kinds of stuff listed for sale.
I drank my Crocade and it tasted like watered down Kool-Aid with salt, very much like Gatorade. When I got to Office Max I sat there for a moment, still cooling down, and finished listening to a good song on the radio. I opened the paper and started looking at the cars for sale,etc. I guess it was from the heat or from things in bloom again after we finally got some rain but my eyes were really itching me like crazy. So I sat in the car rubbing my eyes and finishing off my Crocade and listening to the radio, just having a good ol’ time. Yep, I know how to enjoy the summer.
I ran into Office Max to grab a glue stick. That’s all I needed. I got it and noticed a tall young black man kept staring at me. I figured I probably knew him from the gym or something, so I gave the smile/head nod that you give to people that you recognize but do not know. Then I got in line and just enjoyed being inside in the cool. I heard a voice behind me ask, “Is that what you use?” I didn’t turn around as I didn’t think he was talking to me. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I could tell the person behind me had moved closer and to the side and asked again, “Is that what you use?” I turned and it was the young black man talking to me. I told him “Yes”, thought it was an odd question and was hoping this was not another one of those moments where I had just met another wing-nut looking for a new bff. He continued the conversation and said, “I wax”. During that sentence he stroked the contour of his very thin, highly arched eyebrow with the tip of his ring finger. “It don’t hurt that bad and it lasts forever”, he said. It was at that moment that I knew I had walked into another land mine experience and I knew that I had to make a quick decision as to whether or not I opened up that Pandora’s box or if I was just going to let it go. I really wasn’t up for it for the challenge, so I just smiled and said, “Yeah” and turned back to the now ready cashier.
What the heck was that all about? I drove home wandering if maybe he was saying that some people use glue stick to remove eyebrows and if he had me confused with a makeup artist somewhere. It was just crazy but well, I am kind of used to that. I could not wait to get back home and Google search “glue stick and eyebrows”. So that is what I did. Hmmmmmm, it seems that using a glue stick to cover eyebrows, followed by using concealer and makeup, is the preferred method of transformation for drag queens all around the world. Yes, there are hundreds of YouTube videos showing how it is done.
So I clicked off my searches and had some vivid images emblazoned into my memory banks. I was still completely confused about what had happened at Office Max. I got up to go to the bathroom and took a quick look in the mirror….OH-MY-WORD. Where do I start? I do remember when paying for my glue stick that my fingers had black ink on them from my cheap newspaper reading. I forgot that I had been rubbing my eyes. I had smudged black all over my eyelids and under my eyes. I was Tammy Faye Baker! Also, my Crocade was on sale for a reason. My lips were bright red. They were not just red lips though; my upper lip had a nice round circle above it. Have you ever seen that tradition Kabuki look on Japanese women where they only put lipstick right in the middle of their lips and it goes above and under their lips, kind of forming an “0”? It was that look. I was Kabuki Tammy Faye Baker!!! No wonder! That guy at Office Max must have thought that I was a big ol’ drag queen that had just done a long run of shows, couldn’t get all the old makeup off and had run out of glue stick. AAAArrrgh! How do these things happen?
It was at that moment, after the brain flashback/rewind/fast-forward that I decided to go on steroids. Hello biceps (goodbye manjunk); I want to be the Hulk. I want to be so big that it won’t matter if I roll into a store sporting a Hello Kitty t-shirt and a hair bow, no one will think I am an out of glue stick drag queen….not that there is anything wrong with that.
