Locker Room Etiquette

Every now and then I write about something that I feal might "offend the ladies" so I try to put a rating on it. You must be 18 years old or older to read this post- that's my disclaimer. If that's you, just skip to the next story.

I have always wanted to write some kind of book on locker room etiquette for men. There are certain things guys do that they should just know better than to do. I am always wondering if they just never listened to their moms. Unfortunately, I don't think there is that much info to cover and the thought of me sitting down long enough to write a book are slim to none. So I thought that maybe I could just write up a brochure for gyms to give out at new customer orientations but I know the likelihood of anyone taking me seriously and following through are also slim to none. I could just print up a flyer but it would blend in with all the others. Plus, let's face it, even if I did write a book on this subject, who would publish it? There are many things that are just annoying like things that are done in the sink or shower that shouldn't, or the odd long phone calls made while sitting on the toilet, or standing buck naked in front of the mirrors with one foot hiked up on the sink while drying off...the list really has no end. Still, because of recent events, I now know that it all comes down to one simple sign. Yep, one rule says it all for me. So what were the events and what is the sign? I may have posted about one of these events already, if so, just realize that it was slightly traumatic for me and the repetition is therapeutic.

Several weeks ago, while sitting...sitting on a bench in the locker room putting my shoes on, an old man somewhere between 80 and 120, came up to me to tell me a very long joke. He put his foot up on the bench beside me to get comfortable during this epic story and yep, you guessed it, not a stitch of clothes...! I was at the worst eye level view you can imagine. I looked to my far left, then up at the ceiling, then down to the floor and soon decided to act like I had something in my eye as I kept rolling them around and doing eye exercises. All I could think about was the many times I have seen people on TV walk up to a microphone and smack it and say, "Is this thing on...(smack), is this thing on?" I have no idea what the joke was but as soon as he quit talking, I laughed really loud and ran out to the gym to breath and workout.

About a week later this same man got me cornered in the locker room. I was just about to step into the shower when I heard his voice just inches behind me. I was soooooooooooo afraid to turn around. I did, and there he stood wearing nothing but a smile. He said, “I need a favor." With that he turned around with his arms stretched out and said, over his shoulder, “Can you check me for ticks?".............................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! OMG!!! My eyes blurred and my brain began to fog. I just kept trying to disappear or spontaneously combust. Where's a good rapture when you need one? I really thought I might just die right then and there.

It is because of these two things that I now realize what is most important in locker room etiquette. Things guys do in a locker room can really be odd or annoying or just gross. Still, there needs to be one rule of thumb, one giant sign in every men's locker room everywhere. It should read as follows:
"Do not talk to people when you are naked."
Is that really too much to ask?

 

Wave, Handshake, or Hug?

It is so odd to me to see people out of pocket, especially people I know from the gym. People I am used to seeing in sweats and wrinkled T-shirts are such a surprise when I see them at their offices or out to eat and they are all dressed up. I not only have a hard time placing how I know them, but I also can't instantly figure out how well I know them. I know, it's crazy, but sometime I just don't know if they are a wave, handshake or hug. The worst is when you go for the hug only to realize,"Wait this isn't a friend from the gym, this is the woman that groomed my dog and clipped his ear. I don't like her." Those are some awkward hugs.

Yesterday was a fast one. It was a pretty stressful day with waaaay too much to do that I had no intellectual ability to do. I was out on the town and I crossed paths with someone from the gym. It was fast and there was no prep time. It was the masseuse from the gym and I see her every day but had actually never given her more than a nod. It took a minute to recognize her as she was all fixed up in a suit and had her hair and makeup just perfect. I smiled and said "hello" as we neared and a handshake or hug didn't feel right so I just gave her a quick, "Whew, I may be hitting you up for a massage later." She didn't give me a "Hey sounds great!" or even an "Ok, but keep all your clothes on so that I don't hurl." No, she gave me one of those ,"Not in this lifetime" looks followed by a gassy smile. Gasp! Dissed by a masseuse! That's cold.

Now I may be slightly spongy, and the V-taper may have morphed into a square (making me of course, Sponge Bob Square Pants), but surely she has kneaded worse dough. I hid my horror and walked on passed her feeling very much like the "will you check me for ticks" guy.

I got to the gym later that afternoon and saw her standing in her usual spot at the masseuse counter. She was back in her normal casual clothes and I went up and said something about bumping into her...since we now had a "history". Well guess what, it wasn't her that I had run into…nope, not her...total stranger. That explains why she looked so different and possibly the reaction. Yes I passed a total stranger and told her that I would be "hitting her up for a massage later". Mmm, yeah...ah...yeah. How do I continue to do these things?