Every now and then I write about something that I feal might "offend the ladies" so I try to put a rating on it. You must be 18 years old or older to
read this post- that's my disclaimer. If that's you, just skip to the next story.
I have always wanted to write some
kind of book on locker room etiquette for men. There are certain things guys do
that they should just know better than to do. I am always wondering if they
just never listened to their moms. Unfortunately, I don't think there is that
much info to cover and the thought of me sitting down long enough to write a
book are slim to none. So I thought that maybe I could just write up a brochure
for gyms to give out at new customer orientations but I know the likelihood of
anyone taking me seriously and following through are also slim to none. I could
just print up a flyer but it would blend in with all the others. Plus, let's
face it, even if I did write a book on this subject, who would publish it?
There are many things that are just annoying like things that are done in the
sink or shower that shouldn't, or the odd long phone calls made while sitting
on the toilet, or standing buck naked in front of the mirrors with one foot
hiked up on the sink while drying off...the list really has no end. Still,
because of recent events, I now know that it all comes down to one simple sign.
Yep, one rule says it all for me. So what were the events and what is the sign?
I may have posted about one of these events already, if so, just realize that
it was slightly traumatic for me and the repetition is therapeutic.
Several weeks ago, while sitting...sitting on a bench in the locker room putting my shoes on, an old man somewhere between 80 and 120, came up to me to tell me a very long joke. He put his foot up on the bench beside me to get comfortable during this epic story and yep, you guessed it, not a stitch of clothes...! I was at the worst eye level view you can imagine. I looked to my far left, then up at the ceiling, then down to the floor and soon decided to act like I had something in my eye as I kept rolling them around and doing eye exercises. All I could think about was the many times I have seen people on TV walk up to a microphone and smack it and say, "Is this thing on...(smack), is this thing on?" I have no idea what the joke was but as soon as he quit talking, I laughed really loud and ran out to the gym to breath and workout.
About a week later this same man got me cornered in the locker room. I was just about to step into the shower when I heard his voice just inches behind me. I was soooooooooooo afraid to turn around. I did, and there he stood wearing nothing but a smile. He said, “I need a favor." With that he turned around with his arms stretched out and said, over his shoulder, “Can you check me for ticks?".............................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! OMG!!! My eyes blurred and my brain began to fog. I just kept trying to disappear or spontaneously combust. Where's a good rapture when you need one? I really thought I might just die right then and there.
It is because of these two things that I now realize what is most important in locker room etiquette. Things guys do in a locker room can really be odd or annoying or just gross. Still, there needs to be one rule of thumb, one giant sign in every men's locker room everywhere. It should read as follows:
"Do not talk to people when you are naked."
Is that really too much to ask?
Several weeks ago, while sitting...sitting on a bench in the locker room putting my shoes on, an old man somewhere between 80 and 120, came up to me to tell me a very long joke. He put his foot up on the bench beside me to get comfortable during this epic story and yep, you guessed it, not a stitch of clothes...! I was at the worst eye level view you can imagine. I looked to my far left, then up at the ceiling, then down to the floor and soon decided to act like I had something in my eye as I kept rolling them around and doing eye exercises. All I could think about was the many times I have seen people on TV walk up to a microphone and smack it and say, "Is this thing on...(smack), is this thing on?" I have no idea what the joke was but as soon as he quit talking, I laughed really loud and ran out to the gym to breath and workout.
About a week later this same man got me cornered in the locker room. I was just about to step into the shower when I heard his voice just inches behind me. I was soooooooooooo afraid to turn around. I did, and there he stood wearing nothing but a smile. He said, “I need a favor." With that he turned around with his arms stretched out and said, over his shoulder, “Can you check me for ticks?".............................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! OMG!!! My eyes blurred and my brain began to fog. I just kept trying to disappear or spontaneously combust. Where's a good rapture when you need one? I really thought I might just die right then and there.
It is because of these two things that I now realize what is most important in locker room etiquette. Things guys do in a locker room can really be odd or annoying or just gross. Still, there needs to be one rule of thumb, one giant sign in every men's locker room everywhere. It should read as follows:
"Do not talk to people when you are naked."
Is that really too much to ask?
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