Ok, so a few days ago, I made my very first pot of coffee in my life. I was trying to copy Starbuck’s Mocha Frappuccino Light. I know there are probably a million recipes out there but I decided to wing it. Coffee, ice, chocolate syrup, how hard could it be? Fortunately the coffee can had directions on how to make coffee so I just doubled it to make espresso. By the end, I was having the equivalent of six cups of coffee…with ice and chocolate syrup. My ice didn’t blend as well as Starbuck’s ( I may have needed milk) but it was still not horrible for a first try.
I slurped it down on the way to the gym and pretended that it wasn’t bitter and that the ice wasn’t chunky. Mmmm, a frozen drink on a hot summerish day. It was almost like being on vacation. I think it was the first time I have ever been sweating while walking into the gym. Who am I kidding? It would be even be odd for me to be sweating after a “work out”. When I got there I looked in the mirror and my face was red, my ears were glowing and I was starting to glisten. Oh yeah, I was feeling the burn and I hadn’t even started. I was pretty much soaking wet when I was done. Now I am no brain scientist but I am pretty sure that I made an important discovery today. Move over Amsterdam scientists, I have discovered the cause of global warming: humans consuming fancy coffee. Yes, it became quite evident to me after consuming my mocha crappuccino that the areas around me got warmer. Everywhere I went was hotter, noticeably hotter…because of me. Combine my internal combustion and the warm fuzzy of something yummy and I am pretty sure that my core temperature had gone from 98.6 to at least 99.6, maybe even 100. That one to two degrees of difference can make all the difference in the world. This was huge…potentially more huger.
Then it really hit me, Starbuck’s have been popping up all over the country , especially after Y2K. This is also about the time that scientists from other countries started noticing polar bears having to jump off of icebergs into the frigid, icy but not frozen water. Oh yes, I had figured it out. Drinking fancy coffee causes the air around us to heat up because we are little walking portable heaters whose temperatures have just gone up…thus, we heat up and destroy the earth. I was pretty sure I was on to something and then I saw this:
It was an unmarked cup but I can tell; I can tell. What a discovery I have made. I thought more about it and remembered that I had double brewed my coffee to make espresso. Coffee…doubled…Co x2 …could it be…..holy cow/sweet baby Moses floating down the river Nile/ Samson with a high and tight…I had hit it, hit it big. All I know right now is that I have got to get the word out. I am going to need some press, and maybe a haircut. Maybe I can get someone to make a movie or a video about it and put it on Youtube.
I know is that it’s been hot everywhere I have been this afternoon. The effect seems to be pretty long lasting too. I went on the square tonight and walked around and before I knew it, it was raining off and on. Freaky, that is the only way to describe it. The climate was changing from wet to dry to wet to dry all because I had consumed some fancy coffee. This is “end of the world” kind of stuff.
Wow, so Starbuck’s is enabling us to destroy the world and we are too addicted to our frou frou caffeine and the warm fuzzy feeling it gives us to notice it or to care. I know I can’t stop, nor do I really, really want to. I’ll be buzzing tomorrow and until they come up with a decent alternative, I’ll just have to create a little heat. Sorry polar bears but you will just have to hang out on ice bergs, swim in freezing water and eat raw fish, or even be forced to consume the unthinkable, baby seals. So polar bears, until someone can create a non-dangerous frou frou coffee or until they can get you to a zoo in Florida and give you chicken tenders and vitamin pellets you are going to have to “make do” for a while.
Starbuck’s are here to stay, I am afraid; they are everywhere and just too big to fail. We rely on them to get us to work and back home again. I don’t see any easy way out of this. I have no intention of giving up my frozen coffee but I still feel the urge to save the world. There just is no answer…unless we could somehow offset the impact of Starbuck’s by taxing it. Maybe that would slow down the consumption and we could use that money to research alternatives…but not too quickly , just in case this tax thing generates a lot of money, plus, I need my frappaccino to keep me going to and from work.
Really, I don’t mind being the face of the person that saved the world and I don’t mind telling everybody about my discovery and our possible course of actions. As a matter of fact, put me in the pyramid for the tax collection and I’ll just go ahead and say “yes” to being the spokesperson for the cause. I mean, I wouldn’t want to open this Pandora ’s Box for nothing. It would be a great cause, saving the earth and all, but if I am going to stick my neck out and go up against the big coffee companies and save the world and make fancy coffee become even more expensive, I don’t think I should do it all for free. I am going to need a little something to offset the costs; it’s the least I could ask for.
Well, I am off to find scientists to prove my theory. I also think we should start by stopping the farming of coffee beans here in America. It’s the least we can do to show everyone that we are serious about this discovery. That would a good start. The best coffee beans come from Colombia anyway and I have a feeling I could work out a pretty sweet contract that would give me that ocean front retirement property I’ve always wanted in South America. Wow, I need to start contacting people. Maybe I'm more smarter than I think I am. Maybe I should have been a rocket surgeon or brain scientist. All I know is that I’m going to need to get to work; this is going to require caffeine and wifi…
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