Where do I begin? I somehow managed to overdo it yesterday on my
lack-of-sleep Monday and I think I must have walked twenty miles during
the course of the day (not joke). I also went way too long without
eating. I got that brain fog that comes with no blood sugar and by the
end of the day, I was completely shot. This morning I expected to get up
energized and ready to take on the day but something was wrong. My
batteries had been in their charger but I don’t think the charger was
plugged in. All I can say is that I have felt “puny” all day…just weak
and puny.
I had already made the commitment that I was going to go to Crossfit tonight. I am not sure why I kept that commitment; I don’t know what I was thinking. Two words that do not belong together are “puny” and “Crossfit”. For some unknown, delusional reason (probably the blood sugar thing) I thought that a good grueling class would pull me out of my funk. My decision making skills need honing.
I hurried to class after a quick eating contest with my dad at Jason’s Deli (I won) and just kept telling myself that a good workout was what I needed. I also did a mental prayer that this class wasn’t going to be one of those crazy ones where the owner goes all “Full Metal Jacket” on us. I didn’t pray hard enough.
I got there and Pit Beagle was standing at the entrance to greet me with his usual “Hello old man” and that made me nervous thinking that maybe he had made up the routine and was teaching the class. I am pretty sure…no, I am positive that he came up with the routine but his wife, G. I. Jenn, was teaching the class, whew, she has empathy. We warmed up and as always, I was sweating when we were finished. I looked up at the message board and read the WOD (work out of the day) and the very first thing was “handstand push-ups”. I looked at it….I knew it couldn’t really mean what it sounded like…I looked at it again (it still read the same) and I had to go inquire. I asked G.I. Jenn what in the world a handstand push-up REALLY was. She had me come over to a wall to watch. She faced the wall and then put her hands down and flipped up in to a handstand and had her feet touching the wall overhead. She then proceeded to lower her body down until her head almost touched the floor and pushed herself back up again……………….???????mmm… seriously…mmm…soooo…uuuhh…yeah. They really were just like they sounded. Handstand push-ups…I prefer to call them “how to dislocate both shoulders and fracture you neck in one simple step-ups”. I just looked at her and asked, “So what is my version going to be?” I knew instantly that for me, handstand push-up were not happening tonight…or in my lifetime…ever…never ever ever…like ever (thank you Taylor Swift for those words of inspiration).
It took some thought and she quickly changed gears into “handi-land” and figured out what it was that I could do. She took me over to a secluded wall (thank you empathy button) and got down on the floor like she was going to do a push-up. The bottoms of her feet were up against the wall. Suddenly, she started walking her hands backwards and her feet walked up and climbed the wall until she was in a handstand position and then she walked back down. I wanted to clap when she was done as it was a bit of a Ringling Brother’s moment for me but she ruined my flashback with a question, “So, do you want to try that… now?” I know that I need to practice saying the word “no” but I haven’t done that yet and somehow a very reluctant “yes?” came out of my mouth. What was I thinking? I might as well have been jumping out of a plane because this scared the begeebees out of me. Let me just tell you right now that hoisting my gluteus extramaximus over my head is no small feat.
I did a practice run and when I was as high as I could emotionally take it, my hands were still probably a good two to three feet from the wall. I looked like I was in an earthquake; I was shaking all over. The funny thing is that there were people sitting along that wall by me, still reeling from the previous class. They watched me do my wall climb with all the steadiness of a newborn giraffe taking is first steps and they immediately got up and moved away. One guy said, “Don’t worry about it; we all had to start somewhere.” Nice.
G.I.Jenn saw how hard it was for me (and how long it took me to hoist it all up in the air) and decided that I just had to do this three times to match the ten handstand pushups everyone else was doing. I am not really sure if there is a name for what I was doing or not. I know what I call it: “Walking to Jesus” (because it scared the hell out of me).
Even though I felt like I was straight up and down when I got to the end of my Walking to Jesus’, I know I was far from being in that position. I have a feeling that I looked like I was playing some odd version of “London Bridge”. Also, as mentioned, I am not a naked guy. I hadn’t thought about it but the first thing that happened when I flipped upside down was my shirt flew down over my head. The good part to that is that since I was upside down, my ET body got to fall back into place while flashing. I’m wearing a onesie and sweatpants next class.
The countdown started and I reviewed the list. Here is what we were to do:
10 handstand push-ups (or for me, 3 WTJ’s)
20 pull-ups (assisted ones for me)
30 push-ups (best done in set of 10, trust me on this one)
40 kettlebell swings up over our heads (that’s a 30 pounder for me)
800 meter row (finally I got to sit down)
Repeat (no rinse)
HO-LEE-COW!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
The time started and we were off! I as out of oxygen in the first 30 seconds and I did my second set of things out of order. It wasn’t until just know that I realize I did and extra set of WTJ’s. I did that thing three times! Anyway, everyone was so far ahead of me that it was ridiculous but because of the fast pace you really don’t have time to pay attention to anyone else… I hope. When I was finished I could not even stand up straight and it was all that I could do to breathe. I couldn’t even shout out “Time!” so that it could be written up on the board. I put my kettlebell away and walked up to the front to get my keys. All the men were gone; the women were getting into their cars and I think I heard the sound of the owner’s keys jingle as it was time to lock up. This was not a stellar night for me.
That was over four hours ago and it feels like I just left. I will say that right now, my “puny feeling” is gone and I feel back to normal. I am pretty sure that I don’t ever want to repeat tonight’s performance. It was sooooo far out of my comfort zone on so many levels. On the other hand, it didn’t kill me, I am not in the ER, and I wasn’t asked to never come back. Those are all good things right? Oh yeah, I also feel a little closer to Jesus as I talked to Him more tonight than I have in a long time.
I had already made the commitment that I was going to go to Crossfit tonight. I am not sure why I kept that commitment; I don’t know what I was thinking. Two words that do not belong together are “puny” and “Crossfit”. For some unknown, delusional reason (probably the blood sugar thing) I thought that a good grueling class would pull me out of my funk. My decision making skills need honing.
I hurried to class after a quick eating contest with my dad at Jason’s Deli (I won) and just kept telling myself that a good workout was what I needed. I also did a mental prayer that this class wasn’t going to be one of those crazy ones where the owner goes all “Full Metal Jacket” on us. I didn’t pray hard enough.
I got there and Pit Beagle was standing at the entrance to greet me with his usual “Hello old man” and that made me nervous thinking that maybe he had made up the routine and was teaching the class. I am pretty sure…no, I am positive that he came up with the routine but his wife, G. I. Jenn, was teaching the class, whew, she has empathy. We warmed up and as always, I was sweating when we were finished. I looked up at the message board and read the WOD (work out of the day) and the very first thing was “handstand push-ups”. I looked at it….I knew it couldn’t really mean what it sounded like…I looked at it again (it still read the same) and I had to go inquire. I asked G.I. Jenn what in the world a handstand push-up REALLY was. She had me come over to a wall to watch. She faced the wall and then put her hands down and flipped up in to a handstand and had her feet touching the wall overhead. She then proceeded to lower her body down until her head almost touched the floor and pushed herself back up again……………….???????mmm… seriously…mmm…soooo…uuuhh…yeah. They really were just like they sounded. Handstand push-ups…I prefer to call them “how to dislocate both shoulders and fracture you neck in one simple step-ups”. I just looked at her and asked, “So what is my version going to be?” I knew instantly that for me, handstand push-up were not happening tonight…or in my lifetime…ever…never ever ever…like ever (thank you Taylor Swift for those words of inspiration).
It took some thought and she quickly changed gears into “handi-land” and figured out what it was that I could do. She took me over to a secluded wall (thank you empathy button) and got down on the floor like she was going to do a push-up. The bottoms of her feet were up against the wall. Suddenly, she started walking her hands backwards and her feet walked up and climbed the wall until she was in a handstand position and then she walked back down. I wanted to clap when she was done as it was a bit of a Ringling Brother’s moment for me but she ruined my flashback with a question, “So, do you want to try that… now?” I know that I need to practice saying the word “no” but I haven’t done that yet and somehow a very reluctant “yes?” came out of my mouth. What was I thinking? I might as well have been jumping out of a plane because this scared the begeebees out of me. Let me just tell you right now that hoisting my gluteus extramaximus over my head is no small feat.
I did a practice run and when I was as high as I could emotionally take it, my hands were still probably a good two to three feet from the wall. I looked like I was in an earthquake; I was shaking all over. The funny thing is that there were people sitting along that wall by me, still reeling from the previous class. They watched me do my wall climb with all the steadiness of a newborn giraffe taking is first steps and they immediately got up and moved away. One guy said, “Don’t worry about it; we all had to start somewhere.” Nice.
G.I.Jenn saw how hard it was for me (and how long it took me to hoist it all up in the air) and decided that I just had to do this three times to match the ten handstand pushups everyone else was doing. I am not really sure if there is a name for what I was doing or not. I know what I call it: “Walking to Jesus” (because it scared the hell out of me).
Even though I felt like I was straight up and down when I got to the end of my Walking to Jesus’, I know I was far from being in that position. I have a feeling that I looked like I was playing some odd version of “London Bridge”. Also, as mentioned, I am not a naked guy. I hadn’t thought about it but the first thing that happened when I flipped upside down was my shirt flew down over my head. The good part to that is that since I was upside down, my ET body got to fall back into place while flashing. I’m wearing a onesie and sweatpants next class.
The countdown started and I reviewed the list. Here is what we were to do:
10 handstand push-ups (or for me, 3 WTJ’s)
20 pull-ups (assisted ones for me)
30 push-ups (best done in set of 10, trust me on this one)
40 kettlebell swings up over our heads (that’s a 30 pounder for me)
800 meter row (finally I got to sit down)
Repeat (no rinse)
HO-LEE-COW!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
The time started and we were off! I as out of oxygen in the first 30 seconds and I did my second set of things out of order. It wasn’t until just know that I realize I did and extra set of WTJ’s. I did that thing three times! Anyway, everyone was so far ahead of me that it was ridiculous but because of the fast pace you really don’t have time to pay attention to anyone else… I hope. When I was finished I could not even stand up straight and it was all that I could do to breathe. I couldn’t even shout out “Time!” so that it could be written up on the board. I put my kettlebell away and walked up to the front to get my keys. All the men were gone; the women were getting into their cars and I think I heard the sound of the owner’s keys jingle as it was time to lock up. This was not a stellar night for me.
That was over four hours ago and it feels like I just left. I will say that right now, my “puny feeling” is gone and I feel back to normal. I am pretty sure that I don’t ever want to repeat tonight’s performance. It was sooooo far out of my comfort zone on so many levels. On the other hand, it didn’t kill me, I am not in the ER, and I wasn’t asked to never come back. Those are all good things right? Oh yeah, I also feel a little closer to Jesus as I talked to Him more tonight than I have in a long time.
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