President Me

I have decided to run for President! I am fully aware that no one has ever heard of me but I really want this job. The problem is, how do I go from a totally unknown to winning over the hearts of the majority of America? Hmmm, that’s going to take a lot of money. I personally have never really generated very much money but I have been watching and I think I have learned a few things. It’s not like I have to reinvent the wheel or anything. I can just pull the best tactics from all those who have gone before me.

 

First of all, I have to identify where the majority of voters are. I think the best starting place would be in our recent 99% movement. That’s who I want, not the 1%. I need the majority of people to vote for me. It’s really that simple. It seems the one thing that America has united on is that 99% of them don’t make enough money or think they don’t make enough money compared to the wealthy.. After all, if a person is making a few billion dollars, would they really miss just one million? Or even on a smaller scale, If a person is making a few hundred thousand dollars, would they really miss ten or twenty thousand dollars? After what I saw and read it looks like the 99% already thinks that the 1% that is ultra wealthy is the enemy. I can use that divisive tool to work for my campaign. All I have to do is continue pointing the finger at the 1% and talk about how bad they are and how I am going to stick it to them, and the 99% will have my back. I’ll be “on their side”. I will keep making that 1% look as if all their wealth came from greed and crooked underhanded deals. One thing I will never do is mention the hours of work and study that went into their careers or how long it took, sacrificing their time, energy and money to get there. I will make it look as if the 1% is the enemy and I will let my loyal 99% think that I am going after those cruel cash hoarders with everything I can muster. I will also make a promise to the 99% that I will never raise taxes on them as long as I am in office. Really, that is a pretty good start.

 

The problem is that I will need the money from the 1% to fund my campaign. I am going to have to be very creative here and use a bit of a slight of hand trick to make it work. To start with, I might just have to go outside the United States. I need to find the wealthiest people in the world and make a deal. I have to be careful in situations like this so as not to look like I am buying votes or doing the old “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” kind of thing, but that has worked in the past and it should still work now. I also have so many special interest groups that I want to help out and I am sure that if I can get their support I will be able to pay them back, with interest. I can do that here but I will really need big money, both here and abroad and I will have to strike up some really good incentives. I believe the best way to veil this is to find out what the wealthiest people in the world are interested in. What do they invest in or what businesses do they want to start. It is with that approach that I think I can create a sweet scenario of support and payback.

 

To explain this to you (but please don’t tell anyone else my plan as it might not seem as above table as it needs to) think of something like…..an overseas million…billionaire that wants to invest in something like, I don’t know, corn farms in Brazil. With his promissory note of a few million dollars I could, in turn, promise to halt the production of corn in the United States, or cut off assistance to farmers or put a large tax on the export of our local corn, or really anything along those lines. This would mean the people who normally rely on us for corn would have to look elsewhere. I could then promise a couple of billion dollars of tax money (there will be no press coverage of this, of course) and send it to Brazil to fund the research and development to their corn crops in the name of global hunger or alternative fuel source creation, etc. Really, it could be anything but the possibilities would be endless. The return on their investment would be huge. I would have to get in on the action a little with some hidden stocks or something; I’m not stupid.

 

So with the millions to fund me I will have a platform. I will have a divisive tool by siding with the majority and pointing an angry finger at the minority. The irony is that American’s will not even stop to think that I have suddenly become one of the 1% myself. I have also, always heard that if you win the unions you win the election, so I will make sure that whatever taxes I do put out there, that anyone that belongs to a union will be exempt. That should bring a lot of votes and a few more donation dollars right here at home. The big scoop that I will have to keep a secret is that I will be doing what I call the “Double Blind Ghost Tax”. I love this and it is basically a way to tax people without them knowing it. They will never see it coming; they will never know that it is there. They won’t see it even when it is staring at them right in the face.

 

After building my campaign around taking money from the rich and giving it to others (I’ll never tell exactly what my special interest groups are but I think everyone will assume it is somehow going back to the 99%) I will then impose a string of heavy taxes on the wealthy. Americans will believe what they are told; they will believe me. Plus, I am a great speaker. The funny thing is that I will be taxing the business owners, the businesses themselves, the CEO’s, presidents, executives and all those movers and shakers that invest in the businesses. Suddenly these wealthy job creators will be missing millions of dollars from their business accounts and personal accounts because of the taxes and they will have to pay for being financially successful. Now that is a painful wound but here is the salt: those businesses can’t suddenly take a huge loss. What about their stocks that the average working person has their 401k invested in? How about their place on the stock market? None of them can afford to crash on Wall Street and all of them have a budget they have to meet for operating expenses, investments and retirement plans. The only option they will have is to either lay off workers (which will make them look even greedier and out of touch) or too slowly raise prices of goods and services.

 

Taxing those that produce is the same as taxing those who purchase. I call it “Trickle Down Taxation” and I have watched it work; it’s Finance 101. Just imagine companies like Heinz, Del Monte, Golden Flake, Betty Crocker having to raise prices just to meet budget and not show a dramatic loss that would scare away investors. Suddenly every bottle of ketchup, every can of beans, every bag of chips and every little snack cake would be a dime, a quarter, and seventy five cents higher. It would be gradual and could increase a little more every few months. No one would even remember the difference but they would notice that their fifty dollar cart of groceries now costs seventy five dollars. No one in America would ever stop and think this through. I would help to blur everything with the obvious rise in fuel costs probably being the culprit. I could always point the finger at the unrest in the Middle East. Let’s face it, if you have to import the corn to make the fuel, the price is going to be higher…right? Absolutely no one has the time to sit around and try to connect the dots. Just in case, I would make sure to pressure, through ad sales, the major television networks to back me up. They would have to write in characters and scenarios in every drama and situation comedy that made fun of anyone that might see through what I am doing. The shows would make them look like radicals or conspiracy theorist, etc. I will cover my tracks, yes indeed. The majority will love me and they will stay focused on the wealthy getting hit in the wallet and they will be happy that I am their President. They will not for one minute realize that they are paying higher prices and thus more taxes on absolutely every single item they purchase. I will be able to tax the wealthy and tax the entire working class; the money will be rolling in. My special interest groups will be making out like bandits and I will look like a hero.

 

I think I can do this whole running for President thing. I will have to have my foreign investors set my money aside for a while until my eight year reign ends and then I will be able to leave this country and live elsewhere like a king...and not have to pay all these taxes I created. I may be an unknown but I have learned from the best. All it is going to take is that first big investor who can recognize a good thing when he sees it. I’m off to Google the world’s wealthiest people and see what I can come up with. Wish me luck.