I am not a “have a pizza delivered” kind of guy. I don’t know why but it is just something I have actually never done. I’ll bet I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone out and gotten a pizza and brought it back home. The only time I actually ever eat it is when I go out with people to a pizza place (or Marina’s on the square). For some reason, Sunday night, I had a hankering for pizza.
We had just had a two hour car ride from our relatives get-together ( a good time was had by all) and I had partaken in everything that was served. I told myself that I really didn’t need anything for dinner as I was about to explode but somehow, around 7ish, my man/bear/pig appetite kicked in. I was out an d about and decided that since there was really noting at home to cook that I would just go to my favorite Chinese restaurant “Most Happy Panda”…or something like that. Yes, before you ask, that is the one that I am pretty sure served me dead baby koi for the Shlimp Spayshell but I think we have mended that fence. On the way to MHP , I started thinking that I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to wait for them to cook it and that maybe I should just run to Subway, get a pretend healthy sandwich and call it a night.
I pulled in to the parking lot and suddenly remembered that there was a new pizza place across the street. My stomach and inner bear growled and my pig squealed to I drove passed the glass door of MHP and in my state of paranoia I am pretty sure the owner was looking out the door and saw me slow down and then drive off. This feud needs to stop. Anyway, the thought of pizza had more appeal than the thought of steamed “chickey brahkrees” and I went to the new pizza place.
The only kind of pizza I eat is veggie , with the occasional chicken pizza. I rationalized all this in my mind as no being so bad since it had to be somewhat healthy and that maybe I just needed to think of this as some kind of “cheat day”. So I walked in the door to order just a small veggie pizza. In my temporary state of perceived starvation, I ordered the medium bacon pizza. Bacon? I don’t eat bacon...except for Christmas morning (it’s a religious thing…something about a manger, a giant star that shined like bacon in the night, etc). Anyway , they told me it would be about ten minutes. Apparently this is the kind of place that people normally just “call in” because I was the only one there waiting…the entire time.
I have no idea why, but after a while I found myself reading information about “fat burning exercises” on the internet. I don’t normally read that stuff, especially not on my phone but for some unknown reason I felt compelled to learn more about this subject matter. The site was filled with info and several videos on how to perform the exercises. I can’t remember which site I was on but there were tons of mindless videos to help me not sit there and think about how hungry I was. After a while “seatitis” set in and I had lost all track of time. It just seemed like I had been there a really long time.
I heard a guy in the kitchen say, “Who is that guy sitting out in the lobby? He has been out there forever.” I looked up to see everyone staring at me and I slowly mouthed back the word “FOREVER”. Two men came up front and opened up some kind of storage hot box and said “Oh here it is; are you Perry?” I told them I was and asked what had happed. All I got was a “thank you and have a good night”. I asked if they thought it was now going to taste like a cardboard box but I got the same reply, “thank you and have a good night. So I left and looked at my ticket. I had been there 40 minutes. Mentally, I was dying of starvation.
I got home and checked the DVR and sat there and ate a few pieced of pizza while watching some show that was just too important to miss but that I can now no longer remember. Mmmmmm bacon pizza…with a little pineapple (you’ve got to get in a serving of fruit…if you are health conscious) and a hot spicy crust. If I had to guess, I would say they brushed the outer ring of crust with jalapeno juice. It was good but it set my tongue on fire. I could feel the burn….feel the burn….I remember reading something about that on the fat burning website. I WAS feeling the burn; it had to count for something. The more I ate the more I burned.
The reason I went for the medium was so I could actually have the rest for lunch the next day. As I sat there I remembered I was going to a company party the next day for lunch and wouldn’t need it. “Bacon pizza, that should be good for breakfast,” I told myself. So that was the plan until I started thinking about the fact that every day of this week was going to be some kind of “cheat day” and that just because I had overstocked on pizza it didn’t mean that I had to eat. Then that “starving kids in Africa” saying sounded off in my head….so many voices in my head, it ‘s just hard to always know which one to listen to. I decided to not save any for the next day. All I can tell you is that the last piece was just as good as the first.
So yesterday, I finally remembered that I was out of all my vitamins and went to go restock. A very energetic, salesman, who was, from what I could tell, a doctor of supplementation, gave me a free sample . As he was putting this miracle drug in my bag, he said, “This is going to give you a really/super/hard/intense workout. I informed him that I don’t actually do really/super/hard/intense workouts but that if it gave me a little energy, I would be happy. He replied, “No, you don’t understand, if you take this, you WILL have a really/super/hard/intense workout. I just said, “I don’t see that happening but I will give it a shot.” He replied, “Oh, it’s going to happen…by the way, you may get body tingles for a minute, that’s normal; it’s fine. It’s supposed to happen.”
I drove to the gym wondering why this guy thought I needed to workout harder by just looking at me. So with that in mind and a fond/loathing memory of a bacon pizza (RIP bacon pizza, you were loved), I looked at the ingredients to this early stocking stuffer that had been put into my bag. It looked like vitamins, amino acids and caffeine…a thing of two I couldn’t pronounce but sounded like native plants from third world countries, so it sounded relatively safe. I mixed it with water and went in to do my “slothfit” routine. In just a matter of minutes my face started to tingle. It was weird. It was just my face, somewhere between a tingle and a burn. It eventually went away. I think it did give me a little more energy, kind of like tons of coffee (with the added splash of Icy Hot as facial lotion feel). My heart wasn’t racing or anything. I know, I know, I shouldn’t do these things but the 20 year old supplement doctor said it was safe.
This morning I woke up and looked like a teenager. Wow! By “looked like a teenager” I mean my face had broken out, not that I didn’t have any wrinkles. Apparently I woke up the acne demon from my teen years. It had to be the face tingle. I don’t think I am going to put this product on my Santa list. So today I am back to my whole grain rice/barley/spinach trifecta and I will be once again trying to Frankenstein the low fat/sugar free/ mocha frappaccino…with a shot of protein…maybe. More Christmas events coming up and visions of sugar plum demons dance in my head. I know: pacing, portion control…it only happens once a year…life’s too short…you only go around once…yadayadayada. I will enjoy it, don’t worry, every last bit of it...bite of it. Oh, oh, oh, Merry Christmas.
We had just had a two hour car ride from our relatives get-together ( a good time was had by all) and I had partaken in everything that was served. I told myself that I really didn’t need anything for dinner as I was about to explode but somehow, around 7ish, my man/bear/pig appetite kicked in. I was out an d about and decided that since there was really noting at home to cook that I would just go to my favorite Chinese restaurant “Most Happy Panda”…or something like that. Yes, before you ask, that is the one that I am pretty sure served me dead baby koi for the Shlimp Spayshell but I think we have mended that fence. On the way to MHP , I started thinking that I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to wait for them to cook it and that maybe I should just run to Subway, get a pretend healthy sandwich and call it a night.
I pulled in to the parking lot and suddenly remembered that there was a new pizza place across the street. My stomach and inner bear growled and my pig squealed to I drove passed the glass door of MHP and in my state of paranoia I am pretty sure the owner was looking out the door and saw me slow down and then drive off. This feud needs to stop. Anyway, the thought of pizza had more appeal than the thought of steamed “chickey brahkrees” and I went to the new pizza place.
The only kind of pizza I eat is veggie , with the occasional chicken pizza. I rationalized all this in my mind as no being so bad since it had to be somewhat healthy and that maybe I just needed to think of this as some kind of “cheat day”. So I walked in the door to order just a small veggie pizza. In my temporary state of perceived starvation, I ordered the medium bacon pizza. Bacon? I don’t eat bacon...except for Christmas morning (it’s a religious thing…something about a manger, a giant star that shined like bacon in the night, etc). Anyway , they told me it would be about ten minutes. Apparently this is the kind of place that people normally just “call in” because I was the only one there waiting…the entire time.
I have no idea why, but after a while I found myself reading information about “fat burning exercises” on the internet. I don’t normally read that stuff, especially not on my phone but for some unknown reason I felt compelled to learn more about this subject matter. The site was filled with info and several videos on how to perform the exercises. I can’t remember which site I was on but there were tons of mindless videos to help me not sit there and think about how hungry I was. After a while “seatitis” set in and I had lost all track of time. It just seemed like I had been there a really long time.
I heard a guy in the kitchen say, “Who is that guy sitting out in the lobby? He has been out there forever.” I looked up to see everyone staring at me and I slowly mouthed back the word “FOREVER”. Two men came up front and opened up some kind of storage hot box and said “Oh here it is; are you Perry?” I told them I was and asked what had happed. All I got was a “thank you and have a good night”. I asked if they thought it was now going to taste like a cardboard box but I got the same reply, “thank you and have a good night. So I left and looked at my ticket. I had been there 40 minutes. Mentally, I was dying of starvation.
I got home and checked the DVR and sat there and ate a few pieced of pizza while watching some show that was just too important to miss but that I can now no longer remember. Mmmmmm bacon pizza…with a little pineapple (you’ve got to get in a serving of fruit…if you are health conscious) and a hot spicy crust. If I had to guess, I would say they brushed the outer ring of crust with jalapeno juice. It was good but it set my tongue on fire. I could feel the burn….feel the burn….I remember reading something about that on the fat burning website. I WAS feeling the burn; it had to count for something. The more I ate the more I burned.
The reason I went for the medium was so I could actually have the rest for lunch the next day. As I sat there I remembered I was going to a company party the next day for lunch and wouldn’t need it. “Bacon pizza, that should be good for breakfast,” I told myself. So that was the plan until I started thinking about the fact that every day of this week was going to be some kind of “cheat day” and that just because I had overstocked on pizza it didn’t mean that I had to eat. Then that “starving kids in Africa” saying sounded off in my head….so many voices in my head, it ‘s just hard to always know which one to listen to. I decided to not save any for the next day. All I can tell you is that the last piece was just as good as the first.
So yesterday, I finally remembered that I was out of all my vitamins and went to go restock. A very energetic, salesman, who was, from what I could tell, a doctor of supplementation, gave me a free sample . As he was putting this miracle drug in my bag, he said, “This is going to give you a really/super/hard/intense workout. I informed him that I don’t actually do really/super/hard/intense workouts but that if it gave me a little energy, I would be happy. He replied, “No, you don’t understand, if you take this, you WILL have a really/super/hard/intense workout. I just said, “I don’t see that happening but I will give it a shot.” He replied, “Oh, it’s going to happen…by the way, you may get body tingles for a minute, that’s normal; it’s fine. It’s supposed to happen.”
I drove to the gym wondering why this guy thought I needed to workout harder by just looking at me. So with that in mind and a fond/loathing memory of a bacon pizza (RIP bacon pizza, you were loved), I looked at the ingredients to this early stocking stuffer that had been put into my bag. It looked like vitamins, amino acids and caffeine…a thing of two I couldn’t pronounce but sounded like native plants from third world countries, so it sounded relatively safe. I mixed it with water and went in to do my “slothfit” routine. In just a matter of minutes my face started to tingle. It was weird. It was just my face, somewhere between a tingle and a burn. It eventually went away. I think it did give me a little more energy, kind of like tons of coffee (with the added splash of Icy Hot as facial lotion feel). My heart wasn’t racing or anything. I know, I know, I shouldn’t do these things but the 20 year old supplement doctor said it was safe.
This morning I woke up and looked like a teenager. Wow! By “looked like a teenager” I mean my face had broken out, not that I didn’t have any wrinkles. Apparently I woke up the acne demon from my teen years. It had to be the face tingle. I don’t think I am going to put this product on my Santa list. So today I am back to my whole grain rice/barley/spinach trifecta and I will be once again trying to Frankenstein the low fat/sugar free/ mocha frappaccino…with a shot of protein…maybe. More Christmas events coming up and visions of sugar plum demons dance in my head. I know: pacing, portion control…it only happens once a year…life’s too short…you only go around once…yadayadayada. I will enjoy it, don’t worry, every last bit of it...bite of it. Oh, oh, oh, Merry Christmas.
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